Surviving Loneliness and Isolation
The loneliness and isolation I felt during my four-year abusive marriage was very intense. With each day I stayed in the abuse, I felt less and less like interacting with family members. I especially felt like isolating at holiday time because one is expected to feel cheery, reverent, and giving. I felt none of that, so to put myself in a position where that would be exposed felt like torture or death. I carried so much shame of staying (victim syndrome) that I had convinced myself that it would show if I made an appearance at the holidays.
Often when in an abusive relationship, the victim is feeling shame and might opt to isolate themselves from their family.
Reasons for Self-Isolation from Family Include:
You have experienced physical abuse and have visible signs of it; or
Your family dislikes your abusive partner and refuses to see you if you bring them;
The abuser threatens you with abuse if you attend a family gathering
Additional Triggers to Watch Out for if in an Abusive Situation During the Holidays:
Your abuser has more time off and is around more (plan to go away yourself, if safe).
Work parties involving excessive alcohol usage can spike the abuser to become violent (stay at a friend’s or a family member’s home that evening so that you won’t be there when the abuser comes home intoxicated).
If children are involved, there could be more arguments about gifts, finances, etc. If the conversation becomes a threat of violence to you or your children, take the children and leave until things cool down. Make an appointment to discuss the topic without your children being present and outside of your home in a neutral place.
To feel less lonely and isolated, I recommend trying one of the following and repeating as many times as necessary.
Call a trusted confidant, but make sure you are safe in doing so.
If it is safe to go, attend a church service. If that is not safe, attend an online service.
Do yoga, gyrokinesis, or some other body movement that is grounding and connecting to what you believe in spiritually.
Get out in nature
Make healthy food for yourself
Attend a safe domestic violence support group
I recommend for anyone experiencing severe depression, suicidal thoughts, or any other mental health issues to reach out to the respective organization’s hotline numbers favorited on their phone so that they can call immediately.
Suicide Hotline – 988
National Domestic Violence Hotline – 1-800-799-7233
My best advice if you are in an abusive situation during the holidays is to take some quiet time to go within yourself to assess your situation. Make a list of why you are staying; then make another list that refutes those reasons. You’re ready now to make a safe exit plan. This will not only give you some relief from the depression/anxiety of staying, but it will contribute toward starting the New Year with a healthy start.
Remember, you are worth the time you put into yourself to start anew. Never give up – you can do it.
