It Must be ME
I was very moved after reading Anna Kendrick’s interview on Armchair Expert Podcast by Dax Sheppard.
Many of us who are not celebrity actors think that we shame and blame ourselves for the abuse we endured because “we just do not have enough confidence” in ourselves. Or, if we were just more successful in our endeavors, we would not blame and shame ourselves. Or if we were prettier or were able to wear designer clothing, or, or, or… However, actress Anna Kendrick vulnerably and openly shares her story in a way that stops those voices in us in their tracks. She also details how abuse has many facets and does not always look or feel like the typical physical abuse we so often hear about people having.
Controlling behavior is sometimes done so effectively that we don’t recognize it as controlling behavior. Intimidation through yelling IS a form of controlling, abusive behavior that often leaves us so scared and insecure that we begin to question our mental sanity. These tactics are the definition of gaslighting. “Manipulate (someone) using psychological methods into questioning their own sanity or powers of reasoning.” –Oxford Languages
Anna explains how her “person” brought up the idea of another woman to her, but then refused to ever discuss it again. When she attempted to discuss it with him, he would resort to gaslighting, yelling and I’m sure more, to undermine her confidence – her very sanity.
In my four-year abusive marriage to my ex, he did a lot of physical abuse, but he also did a LOT of emotional and psychological abuse like Anna describes. Near the end, I became so paranoid that I thought that he was putting poison in my food, and I began to eat less and less. One day I realized the severity of these paranoid thoughts and that was one of the huge triggers thrusting me into writing my safe exit plan and subsequently leaving him.
My experience with emotional abuse is that it creeps in on you and often you do not see it coming. By the time you do become aware that you are experiencing mental, emotional, and physical changes in yourself, you could be in a much more dangerous position to leave. That is why I always say that you MUST write your SAFE exit plan and go over it and over it – making sure that it’s foolproof. I did just that and completed my exit without any problems. After you leave, you may think that “all is well”. That thinking is not true. Please seek help asap. I did not seek help and continued spiraling downward for years. Here is a link to identity emotional abuse and see just how damaging it is. Again, many think “he doesn’t hit me, so it’s not that bad”. That is another untruth.
Remember always, keep going, you are worth all the love and happiness in the world. You can do it.
