Am I Being Controlled?

From a young age, I had been a person whose heart went out for the ‘underdog’. I was kind and caring to classmates and animals. I enjoyed playing for hours with my neighborhood girlfriends. There was a girl who lived a few houses down that others refused to play with because she was different. I lived by example and spent many hours bonding with her including staying overnight at her house. Even as a tender little girl I enjoyed Mom holding me after my nap and having her brush my hair and put rollers in it for a pretty hair style! When Mom would take me on shopping sprees I loved the bonding we did.

Control Through Physical Abuse

When I met Donovan, he was so gorgeous – he looked like a GQ model. As we sat and talked, he told me that he had been in a war where he jumped out of helicopters and rescued the wounded. He even got shot doing said duty. My heart strings became fully engaged at that moment as I remained smitten and mesmerized. Things progressed rapidly through our dating process. By just three weeks in, I was already spending the night. I had gone to his apartment one evening after I finished work. I was excited about seeing him, but that all changed when Donovan suddenly became another person I had never seen. He seethed with anger when he thought I was making too much noise in the kitchen while making my dinner (He was going to sleep early because he had to rise early for work). The next thing I knew, he appeared in the kitchen and slapped me across the face while yelling obscenities at me. He then proceeded to drag me into the living room and punched me in the right side of my face.   While I was still reeling from the punch, he pushed me down to the floor and placed his hands around my neck and began strangling me. I remember starting to see stars when he finally let go.  I broke up with him immediately and went back to my room I was renting in a house. 

Coaching

“TELL SOMEONE ASAP what has happened to you! Please sit down so that we can look into one another’s eyes. “Under NO circumstances are you to go back with Donovan. I understand you’re a compassionate, empathetic beautiful young woman, but he needs help beyond what you can give him and only HE can decide he wants the help. In the meantime, while your injuries are evident, you need to report him to the police. This action will empower you for your future relationships. If you’re afraid to go to the police by yourself, I will go with you – you are not alone”

Control Through Intimidation and Emotional Abuse

A couple of weeks went by as I laid ‘holed up’ in my room waiting for my bruising to clear. I told no one. One night the phone rang, and my landlady called out that it was for me. It was Donovan! “I miss you so, so much.” If you come back, I promise on ________ that I’ll NEVER do anything like that EVER AGAIN. In those agonizing moments, my mind and heart were flooded with conflicting feelings of empathy for what he had been through in the war, my compulsion to be in a relationship (due to PTSD from trauma) and my instinct to run as far away from him as I could get! When I agreed to go back with him, I had no clue that I had just entered Donovan’s circle of power and control. For the next four years, I sunk deeper and deeper into the depths of despair as I remained his wife. Oh yes, I had even married him! My mind was no longer my own as it was owned by the power and control dynamic between us.

Coaching  

Look into the mirror at yourself – take a long look at the fingerprints of his hands around your neck.  Do you really, in your heart, want to go back to someone who did this to you? He is going to say ANYTHING to vindicate himself from the guilt he feels for what he did to you.  Actions speak louder than words and his actions tell you who he is. He is an abuser and you need to learn from this experience. You can do this. I’ll get you the resources to help you heal from this traumatic event. You are not alone. You can do this.”

Recommendations

Below, please find the power and control wheel by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project. They have depicted all the aspects of power and control brilliantly. I experienced things from every section of the wheel during Donovan and my time together. After he coerced me to move from my hometown to ‘better our lives’, to a huge metropolis, he began calling me the most horrific, profane names every day when I walked in the door from work. He controlled our vehicle so that I was left to find my way to work, even though I was the only one working. He controlled our finances when he forced me to give him my paychecks. He then would spend my hard- earned money on himself and not give me money for clothing that I needed for work. He used intimidation methods over me doing household duties and if there was so much as one piece of laundry in the basket, he would hit me. The list of things he would engage in from the wheel goes on and on.

I invite you to look carefully to see if you are experiencing one thing or many things on the wheel below and if so, don’t wait – call today  

National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-7233 or SMS: Text START to 88788